10/4/08

once brought comfort but nothing more
just a lifeless body upon a filthy floor
day after day full of sleepless nights
trying to keep from harm as my mind constantly fights

A Silent Death?

RED,
YELLOW,
ORANGE.
They fall to the ground,
not breaking the silence
as they flutter around.
A silent death.
I head out west.
Suppressing the violence
inside my mind,
watching as I leave,
this world behind.

(i wrote this today while on the buss, after reading a stoy from the book im reading. i think its nice)

:)

Today has been a good day i guess its nice waking up think wow i actually didn't drink last night for probably the first time in i would say a month or so which it kinda bad but I'm going to try and stop drinking for a while its gotten out of hand especially these last few weeks man nuts shit going on but oh well man. i got up early called and talked to Amanda for a while it was nice caught the bus and went and got a new tire and tube for my bike..I've missed that thing it felt good being on it again but anyways i went locked my bike up in the parking garage in Santa Rosa walked to the mall got a smoothie and went outside for a cigarette and decided i wanted to read a book so i got up walked to the public library on the way there i decided i wanted to read a nonfiction about depression. I got there and renewed my library card and went to go look and well the first isle i went down the first book that i noticed just so happened to be called Unholy Ghost Writers on Depression. I got a great big smile on my face and knew that would be the book. it's a 27 different stories and essays from 27 different people writing about their encounters with self depression and people in their lives that have depression, so far i be live I've read either 3 or 4 of them and its amazing its so well written, its definitely something I'm going to finish quickly because the guy at the counter recommended me a book called Darkness Visible which is similar but all from one person i would say check both out for sure

yesterday was nice.

yesterday was nice i wish it wouldn't have ended. It was the first time I can actually say i was truely happy in quite sometime, it's a nice feeling if i do say so my self. I need more days like that i miss having someone to hold.

we meet again.

so i met the man again from the bus in my master/dave master/slave entry he read my writing he told me im way too hard on my self.

people watcher.

I'm a people watcher
a people wathcer people watcher
a people wather a people wathcer people wathcher
A FUCKING PEOPLE WATCHER!!!!
I notice things most people wouldn't
I notice things most people shouldn't

This is what people used to look like

i get bored at work and look through the lost and found and find old pictures i can fuck with


full sized image here

Master/Dave, Master/Slave.

On the bus last night i met an older man, HUGE grey beard pretty big dude. He asked me what my shirt said, I took my headphones out and answered him "Millennium Travesty" he gave me a funny look then decided to tell me about an old punk band from here in Sonoma County called Tattooed Vegetables and how him and his brother went to True Value Hardware and their T.V. logo reminded him of the band, i said "cool do you like to read crazy shit?". Again another funny look, I reached into my bag and grabbed my acid trip book and gave him my only printed copy and told him that it was about my first experience with acid, he got an interested look on his face and thumbed through it. I told him i got some interesting feed back from it, he thumbed trough it again looking for my name/ email address, it wasn't in there , so I pulled one of my 9/11 was an inside job stickers out of my bag and wrote my info on the back and handed it to him, he flipped it over and told me he never really thought of it that way, i told him to go to the link that i put on there, there are lots of free documentaries on the website i told him. He told me he'd check it out, then proceeded to tell me that he has had a depression problem and that he remembered that day (9/11) very clear, it was his first day of being happy in a long time and he had gone home to watch some t.v., he turned it on as saw videos of the attack, his first thought was "damn those are great special effects!", we both started to laugh, then i went on to tell him, I too have a depression problem but i don't really think of it as a problem and that i thought depression makes things more interesting, again another funny look, he told me his stop was next, he pressed the stop request button and hold me that he'd read my book and write me, then he told me he could introduce me to a whole new ___BLANK___, i cant remember the word he used, then he said "see my shirt?" i replied "master Dave?", he said yes "master Dave, Master/Slave" then he said "nice to meet you Zec. The whole goodbye situation was kind of sketched me out because earlier in the ride he had told me that i have a nice beard. I still cant remember the word he used but i think it may have been society implying that he could introduce me to the Master/Slave Society.

.

just dont know anymore theres nothing i want to do in life theres no one that i really even care about anymore my days are constantly bluring together feeling more and more like one long ass day waiting for the weekend i feel like im just fading away like im becoming a ghost.

why merijuana is lllegal, i fucking love america

http://blogs.salon.com/0002762/stories/2003/12/22/whyIsMarijuanaIllegal.html

For God has remembered

I will take the body of Christ and crush it before your eyes, devour the flesh and hang his bones in remembrance of what was the only son. Inversion of his cross shall remain the only way for I am the second coming of Christ.... the Anti-Christ is among us and forever shall remain, for God has remembered, (REMEMBERED) (MY) (NAME)